Gambling jokes
Gambling jokes with Dave and Blue the Aussie Bogans!
Gambling jokes: All gambling jokes are based on fictional characters, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental ….. well some of it anyway 🙂
Gambling jokes (1)
Dave- Did ya hear about the new Oz Lotto Lottery for 20 million dollars?
Blue- Nar mate but it sounds good.
Dave- Nar not really Blue coz the winner gets 20 dollars a year for a million years!
Gambling jokes (2)
Dave and Blue and their wives were at the once a week poker game at Johnny’s house, Blue dident get on to well with his wife. Dave and Blue were sitting at the table with a couple of other mates when Johnno completely shocked and amazed runs into the room and yells “BLUE!! Dave’s missus is in the kitchen beating hell outta ya wife with a frying pan!!”
Blue calmly places his cards on the table and says “Okay you blokes, this is the last hand I better get home and put the beer in the fridge!”
Gambling jokes (3)
Blue comes home from work to find his missus cranky as always throwing stuff around the house and packing her bags. Blue says “whatya think ya doin woman?” Blue’s wife screams at the top of her lungs …. “I am going to Jupiter’s casino, Dawn just rang me and told me there are men at Jupiters Casino willing to pay me $1000 dollars to do for them what I do for you for free!”
Blue sat back for a moment and thought what is she on about? he then darted off and began packing his bags, his wife then screams at the top of her lungs “AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? you are not coming with me”
Blue then says “well I am coming to Jupiter’s with ya I am just itchin to see how ya gunna live on 500 bucks a year”
Gambling jokes (4)
Dave and Blue are just piling into a taxi to make the trip home they have been on the grog all night and it is 4am in the morning!
On the way home in the taxi Johnno says to Blue “Ya know what really annoys me about this whole deal”
Blue replies “What’s that mate, what annoys ya about havin to go home?”
Johnno replies “Well, when I drive home if I haven’t been drinkin, I make sure I pull into the driveway with me headlights off and I kill the engine and just coast in so I don’t wake up the missus, I even go as far as to take off me shoes so I don’t make any noise when I walk.”
Blue replies “Fair dinkum mate, I dident know things were that bad, what I usually do is I come flyin into the driveway and hook a big “hand brakie” jump outta the car and slam the door as hard as I can, then I go into the house and and side kick the door shut as hard as I can then kick my shoes across the lounge and into the wall, then I stomp up stairs and kick the bedroom door open”
Johnno interrupts and says “Geez mate if I done that the missus would kill me”
Blue replies “Yeah, so I boot the bedroom door open, go stompin in and the missus is layin on the bed, I slap her on the bottom and say “hey darlin ya want some lovin?” and ya know what Johnno, she doesn’t move a muscle, your missus must be a light sleeper eh?”
Gambling jokes (5)
It seems Blue had got himself into a bit of bother with the ATO (Australian Tax Office) and the ATO done an audit on poor old Blue. So Blue grabs his Lawyer and off they trot down to the ATO office to sort out the mess.
The ATO auditor says “Well Mr, it seems you have got yourself into a spot of bother with our department, our records indicate you live a pretty extravagant life in the online casinos yet you are unemployed and your excuse for this is you say you are an excellent gambler, I am sorry to say that the ATO find that very difficult to believe”
Blue replies “I sure am Sir and I have no problem proving that here and now if you care for a demonstration?”
The Auditor looks at Blue and says “Okay I am a gambler go ahead”
Blue then says “I bet ya a grand I can bite my own eye”
The Auditor then says “I bet you a grand that you cant”
Even before the Auditor had finished his sentence Blue rips out his eye and bites it then places it back in it’s socket.
The Auditor is completely shocked and cannot believe what he had just witnessed, knowing there was no way out of the bet as it had taken place in front of Blues Lawyer he knew he would have to pay up.
Before he gets to say a word Blue says “I bet ya 2 grand I can bite my other eye!” upon hearing this the Auditor knows he can make his money back as there is no way blue is blind, he confidently says “Your on!”
Blue then rips out his dentures stuffs them into his eye socket and bites his other eye, the Auditor knows he is in big trouble and has lost a lot of money and wants to win it back.
Blue then says “I will give ya the chance to win ya money back and more, the chance to win 10k”
The Auditor now at this stage is very very wary of Blue and says “Okay I am game, what have you got”
Blue then says “I bet ya I can stand on your desk and pee across the room 10 feet away into your bin without one single drop hittin the floor!”
The Auditor looks at Blue in complete amazement and thinks there is no way possible this bloke could ever achieve this, it is impossible, I simply cannot lose.
The Auditor then says to Blue “Your on, I just gotta see this”
Blue then jumps up on the Auditors desk, unzips and starts the build up, there is a pain and panicked look on Blues face as the Auditor rubs his hands together with glee knowing he has this one in the bag.
In one mighty gasp Blue pees all over the Auditors desk where the Auditor then jumps up and down with glee knowing he just won 10k.
He screams at Blues Lawyer with laughter “There is no getting out of this one you witnessed it fair and square”
Blues Lawyer looks distressed and somewhat shaken by the event he just witnessed.
The Auditor says to Blues Lawyer with a smile on his face “So what is wrong with you”
Blues Lawyer says “Well on the way here this morning Blue made a 25k bet with me he could come into your office, pee all over your desk and you would be jumping with joy!”
